


i feel like i'm blind, i'm barely alive

by ofself



Category: Good Girls (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Communication Failure, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Nonverbal Communication, Sharing a Bed, Tenderness, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 16:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19321765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofself/pseuds/ofself
Summary: Beth is not the  person Rio comes to for comfort. Andyet, here he is.





	i feel like i'm blind, i'm barely alive

**Author's Note:**

> These two are messy and exhausting and yet, I love them together. And I do believe they are capable of being soft once in a while. And I wanted to write soft-ish, vulnerable, but still very much an asshole Rio. So I did.
> 
> Title from Cruel by Unlike Pluto.

 

Beth has made peace with herself in a lot of different ways. She can be by herself, alone and not hate the woman in the mirror.

 

No, she's not dealt with her problems. She's just accepted them. Accepted that they are a part of her and are not going away anytime soon.  


The empty silence of the house resonates around her and Beth thinks of a time when it wasn't like this. But maybe, this is better now. _She_ is better now.  


She settles down with a book and a bottle of wine on the couch, intending to have a long, lazy and tipsy night. These moments alone, Beth cherishes them more than herself. She's beginning to love the life she's crafted around her. But once in a while, it feels good to do fucking nothing at all. It feels good not to be on the go, all the time.  


-  


She's half through the book and halfway through the bottle of wine as well when a shadow looms over her. Beth reacts instantly and instinctively. Her left hand drops the book and connects with a body behind her, with a loud smack.  


“ _Fuck_ ,” a muttered curse causes her to turn around and realizes that her intruder is no one other than Rio. Nine out of ten times, it's him, creeping in like a cat and scaring the shit out of her.  


“That hurt Elizabeth,” he groans, rubbing at his middle before vaulting over the couch and settling down next to her.  


“Why are you allergic to doors?” Beth grimaces, picking up her book again and adjusting her glasses.  


“I knocked. Seems like you were too busy to hear,” Rio drawls, settling himself further into the couch and lifting his feet onto the tea table.  


Beth's forehead wrinkles in irritation. She was not busy. She was just absorbed by her book.  


“What you reading?” Rio plucks the book out of her hands. In retaliation, Beth gently shoves his feet off the table.  


“Take your shoes off first,” she grouses.  


Rio grins at her before toeing off his shoes and then deliberately sidling closer to her before lifting his feet onto the table.  


He's pressed up against her, a warm, lean and hard line and Beth tries to quell the butterflies in her stomach.  


“And how long you been wearing those glasses?” He leers up at her and Beth self-consciously pushes up the bridge of her frames. The glasses are a recent addition. A consequence of age.  


“I got them recently. I'm getting older and my eyesight is getting worse. And that's North and South, by Elizabeth Gaskell.”  


Rio raises a brow at her in annoyance. “You're not old.”  


Beth sighs. “I'm 42 with 4 kids. I think we can both agree my days of youth are long past me.” And some days, she feels it. She figured her life would have settled in by now. Instead, she's begun putting it back together now.  


“Anyway, why are you here?” Beth looks at Rio, who's looking back at her with a mixture of amusement and exasperation.  


“Can't I be here if I want to be, mami?” Rio drawls, the amusement quickly disappearing from his eyes.  


“I mean, it's not like you come over here because you like hanging out with me.” Beth jokes, feeling a little uneasy at the look in his eyes.  


He's frustratingly opaque and shes never able to read him as well as she would like to.  


“Well, maybe I do. Anyway, what is this book all about?” Rio presses closer, and Beth sighs.  


“It's a Victorian novel. BBC made a series about it.” Beth is not sure what she should say exactly. Like, why does he want to know.  


“Yeah? Read it out to me.” Rio leans against her and closes his eyes. Beth is baffled, to say the least.  


“But why?”  


“ _Elizabeth_. Just fucking- just read, okay?” She can hear the strain in his voice and knows not to question further. Because, she didn't have that instinct of self-preservation with him before. Now, she's learning.  


Beth begins reading, her voice low and soft enough to be heard and not echo through the house. Through the reading, she pauses to take sips of the wine and also shares some with Rio.  


This is weird, but when are things not weird with Rio? He's lying against her side, breathing deeply, not asleep, but seemingly at rest.  


Beth notices his long lashes sweeping his cheeks and wonders how could a man be so harsh, and yet so beautiful. What is about the both of them that keeps bringing them back together even if they get along as well as clashing gears?  


She never gets to see Rio with his shutters down. Rather, he never lets her. This moment of stillness is rare. Them sitting side by side, seemingly enjoying a quiet moment is rarer.  


Beth keeps reading until the weight next to her shifts and falls harder on her. Rio is asleep, head pillowed on her arm. She sets her book down and checks the time. It's ten minutes past twelve. She's also sleepy now. But she's not sure what to do about Rio.  


Clearly, there's something troubling him if he decided to come to her and then fall asleep next to her. But the thing is, she's not his go to person for an emotional connection, Beth is fairly certain about that. Someone like his ex makes more sense. She's there in the peripheries of life, an aspect of work. She blurred those boundaries more than once and paid the price. And now she's not interested in paying that price anymore. He's better at an arm's distance. It's better for him to seek her out than the other way around.  


She downs the last of the wine and gently shakes Rio awake.  


“It's late,” she offers dumbly, not knowing what else to say. Rio's eyes flutter open and all of a sudden, he looks so very tired. Beth does not know how to deal with him 90% of the time, but she can tell when a person is holding themselves together with slender thread. He rubs his eyes and moves to get up but stills when she places a hand on his shoulder.  


“Do you want to sleep over?” Almost immediately, she regrets her decision because he responds with his usual leer.   


“Feeling a little lonely tonight?” It's not so much the leer that bothers her as much as it is implication that she needs his help in anyway, that she's desperate for connection. Yes, he is attractive. Yes, they have fucked. But no, Beth is not falling into this pit once again. He's made is clear in so many ways that she's just work and that's how things have to be. Beth wants to wipe that smirk off his face. He makes it so hard to be good. So hard to be nice. So hard to be herself.  


“Ugh, why do I even bother with you?” Beth pushes him off her in frustration and hates herself for trying. Hates that her attempts at a small connection are met with his usual derision. God forbid they once have a conversation like normal people.  


“I'm going to bed. You can see yourself out.” She curtly tells him, before setting the book down on the table and putting away the wine bottle and glass.  


She does not see or hear the barely audible, tired sigh he expels or the way he grimaces and rubs a hand over his face before frowning into the distance.

-

She doesn't stomp upstairs as much as she stomps in her heart. No, that would be childish and she does not want to give him that vindication.  


She sits on the bed angrily as well before sighing and taking a few deep breaths.  


No, she cant keep letting him get to her. It's unfortunate that they are both as prickly as porcupines when its comes to each other but Beth has better things to waste her time on than Rio.  


She squashes the small voice in her head that pipes up, ruthlessly, and tells that her she does want to waste her time on Rio because like it or not, she's drawn to him like iron filings to a magnet and try as she can, she cannot rid herself of this attraction.  


Beth squeezes her eyes shut and wonders why she has a penchant for being attracted to complete assholes, both on different ends of the asshole spectrum.  


“The room looks different. Looks good.”  


Beth shrieks and her eyes fly open. Rio is learning against the door-frame, looking all too amused at her reaction.  


Beth takes a moment to compose herself before responding. “What are you doing here?”  


“Well, you invited me in didn't you?” Rio saunters forward and stands a little distance away, hands shoved into his pockets, looking strangely apologetic and somewhat vulnerable.  


“Yeah- but you- _uh_ , I thought you didn't want to.” Beth does not know what to make of this change in behaviour.  


“Yeah, well I _want_ to.” Rio smiles at her, taut and haunted and okay, she understands it. Beth understands wanting to push people away before they drive a stake through your heart. Before they get to you, you push them away.  


“Did you lock up?” she asks instead and at his frown and shake of the head, she moves past him and heads downstairs to lock up and turn off the lights. Yes, she does need to lock up but she also needs a moment to focus. Even when Rio is agreeing with what she's saying or doing, there's an element of mystery. Some unknowable quantity she cannot define. And neither can she identify.  


She trudges back up the stairs, suddenly conscious of her offer but well aware that she can't take it back now.  


By the time she gets back to the bedroom, Rio is sitting on the bed, only in his boxers and Beth swears out loud.  


“It's how I sleep,” Rio shrugs at her and Beth studiously avoids the bare expanse of chest and tattoos. Nothing she hasn't seen before but she's not here to rehash old memories and feel pitiful.  


“I'll get you a shirt,” she offers in a tone that brooks no argument and turns on her heel to get that shirt.  


She rifles through her closet and comes up with one that belonged to Dean. Rio is not going to like it, but that's too bad.  


She comes back and hands it to Rio who looks at it with disgust.  


“Yeah, I ain't gonna be wearing that.” He takes it from her, balls it up and tosses it neatly into the dustbin.  


Beth is not really surprised but she frowns. Let it be known that she tried. She heads back to her closet and rifles through once more and comes back with another shirt.  


“ _Elizabeth_ , I ain't fucking wearing his shirts.” Rio growls and Beth holds up her hands, expression placating.  


“It's mine. Me, Ruby and Annie got these together.” Rio frowns up at her but blessedly takes up the shirt. She does not want him to be uncomfortable, but more than that, her own need to be in control wins out. He pulls it on and Beth has to stifle a giggle. The t-shirt is a light pink but emblazoned with a photo of the three of them and lined with glitter. Surprisingly enough, Rio looks at home in it and Beth is jealous of that ability of his.  


“Nice colour,” he drawls, sardonic and mocking and Beth smiles sweetly in return. This feels like petty vindication but she will take what she can get. She heads to the bathroom to wash up and brush her teeth.  


When she comes back, she notices that Rio has made himself at home, slipping under the covers, half propped up against a bunch of fluffy pillows. She heads towards the bed but not before clocking his slack jaw and wide gaze, directed towards her chest.  


Beth smiles, a little uncomfortable but also determined not to feel awkward in her own goddamn bedroom. She likes to undo her bra before bed.  


“It's not comfortable,” she offers by way of explanation and gets into bed, immediately pulling up the covers to her chin. Rio turns over and props his head up on his hand and smiles at her, amused and almost fond.  


“Being comfortable is important,” he tells her, something gentle and mocking in his tone. Beth reaches over and shoves him gently.  


“I have permanent dents on my shoulders from years of broad straps,” she tells him, wriggling a little under the covers.  


“Damn, that's hard.” He raises his brow. “I prefer them free.” He winks at her and Beth giggles.  


“So do I. At point I considered getting a reduction surgery done.” And she really had. Big breasts are a literal pain. Not only is it hard to find bras but the back pain is not worth it either.  


“That would have been a damn shame.” Rio is completely sincere and serious and Beth's breath catches in her throat. She knows he's speaking the truth, knows he means what he's saying. Knows that the source of his desire rooted in truth and knows that even though they are at an impasse now, that desire hasn't gone away. She's insecure, but she's not dumb. She's well aware of desires looks on him. Knows that it is always lurking on the edge of their interactions. He reaches over and gives them a quick squeeze before Beth bats his hand away. There's a heat in his gaze that she simultaneously wants to sink into and yet knows that that way only lies disaster.  


He makes no further move and Beth finds herself sinking into the bed, cheered by the thought that he may not respect a lot of boundaries, but this is one he respects.  


“Yeah, but bras cost a small fortune.” Beth sighs and wonders once again at the injustice of undergarments and women. Once you are past a certain size, your options are limited to flesh-coloured prisons that once moonlighted as geriatric clothing.  


Rio reaches over and pulls the neck of her shirt aside to look at her shoulders.  


“This is some fucked up bullshit,” he says in an awed voice. Which for him is only an octave lower than his normal voice.  


“Yeah, it is,” Beth nods, hands reaching up to massage her shoulders. She had long since made peace with her chest. There are downsides and good sides. Rio swats her hands away and gently massages her shoulders. And she lets him.  


The time of the night is indeterminate. And maybe the boundaries are blurred once again but she does not have it in herself to care. Because it is lonely. She is alone. It's hard not to feel like a huge chunk of her life was just washed down the drain. The knowledge that life is passing you by when you nothing to show for it but a cluster of stretchmarks and a broken marriage is pretty demoralizing. And if she has to feel human again, like a woman again, with a man who has held a gun to her throat, and who's she's shot in return, then so be it. She's all out of options anyway. And maybe this is the one option that she does want. She's just not letting herself have it.  


“I lost a man today,” Rio's voice cuts through the cloud of bliss that Beth is feeling. Her eyes flow open and she makes an attempt to move but Rio's hand holds her down and she stills. He's not looking at her. Instead he's looking into the distance, eyes slightly glazed.  


“He fucked me over, but yeah, we went way back,” Rio's voice catches, ever so slightly and Beth shakes off his hands before turning over and drawing him to her.  


She understands betrayal, but more than that, she understands cutting off a connection that extended way back. That's like chopping off a body part. You're always going to feel a phantom pain. A vague feeling of where the part once was. Even if that body part was a malignant tumor. There's something ever so final of getting rid of a piece of you. Just like that, it's gone.  


Rio's body sinks into her, his face hidden in her neck and Beth lets her hand run soothing circles over his back. His hands creep over her waist and hold on tight. She's struck by the realization that everyone struggles with loneliness, some more than the others because of the choices they make.

 

Maybe that's where she and Rio are similar. Two very different people, but fucked up in similar sort of ways, and so used to going it against the world alone.

 

Bit by bit, Rio's breathing becomes more measured and even and Beth allows herself to just luxuriate in this moment. This is by far the most intimate moment they have ever shared. Probably the most vulnerable one as well. More so because Rio is so allergic to showing any chinks in his armor. He rarely lets his guard down and Beth is deeply aware of how precious this present moment is. This is Rio, letting his filters down for a small while. It's the veriest hint of a feeling, a peek into his psyche.

 

Tomorrow, no doubt, his walls will be up once again. And so will hers.

 

And once again, they will be caught in a strange tug of war because they cannot seem to live with or without each other. That much Beth has realized. Despite everything that has gone down between them, they keep coming back to each other, two black holes intent on consuming each other whole.

 

But for now, Beth lets herself be lulled to sleep by Rio's warm breath, his hand looped securely around her waist, the warm line of his body a comfort and a danger all at once.

 

Tomorrow is another day.

 

**Author's Note:**

> As you may or may not have noticed, I quickly glossed over the s2 finale. One thing I do believe about these two, is that no matter how much they hurt each other, they are always going to find their way back to each other. And either things end well between them, or they go out like a supernova, taking everyone along with them. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Also, a fist-bump of solidarity to ladies who have perma-dents on their shoulders thanks to broad-strapped bras. The struggle is ridiculous.


End file.
